Saturday, January 31, 2009

Only the Beginning

I thought I'd share the start of my memoir. This is probably the only part of my memoir that I'll share on here. I've been working on it heavily, and the more I write, the more I find that I NEED to write in order to explain exactly what happened!

The decorations, the lights, and the piped- in carols that were meant to gladden the heart, brighten the spirit, and create a festive atmosphere, seemed to be making mockery of my inner pain and confusion. I sat on a bench that was hard and unforgiving, pressing into my aching back; exhaustion turned my bones to lead. Christmas shoppers, usually in groups of two or more, passed me by, smiling and talking with one another, seemingly happy and content. They barely gave me a glance. Was I really even there? Then, in a panic, I suddenly realized that I didn’t know where I was - what town, what state? I knew I was in a mall, but what mall and how did I get there? Where was my car? How would I find my way home, wherever home was? My heart raced in my chest that seemed gripped in a vice closing tighter and tighter. I felt that I would either suffocate or have a heart attack. I began to shake uncontrollably and tears blurred my vision and coursed down my face.

That was a few weeks before Christmas 2001. My life was in chaos and my future uncertain. I had willingly taken on so many changes in my life - divorce, a new job, a move to an apartment in a new city and state, where I knew absolutely nobody - and I was lonely, overwhelmed, and on the verge of a breakdown. There was no undoing the changes I had made in my life. I couldn’t go back, didn’t want to go back. This was the journey that I needed to take, whatever valleys lay before me or dark-shadowed mountains stood waiting for me to scale, and whatever the ultimate outcome might be.

This is a story of choices that we sometimes make in order to move away from the darkness, forced down a path of turmoil and uncertainty, in order that we can embrace the light. In some ways it is an appalling story, in many ways romantic, but in all ways it is mine.

Thank you, my blogger friends, for letting me share this!


  1. Oh you write so beautifully, Aleta. I hope you will share more with me... My story is similar--and IF I could write as eloquently as you, I'd write my memoirs also. IN fact, you may just inspire me to do just that.

    Love and Miss you,

  2. Are you sure that you, Betsy and I aren't triplets? Thanks for sharing,... I'll be hoping to be able to read andother chapter of your story in the future. I haven't attempted to write mine. Hugs to you, Aleta, and to Betsy for her comment ....

  3. You need to give us more,Aleta!We are dangling here!
    Your story is a beautiful unique story that has been a long time coming,phylliso

  4. Thank you for all of your kind comments! If (WHEN!) I publish it, I'll make sure you all get a copy! The hardest part of writing it is to have to wade back through those memories of stressful times, but there is satisfaction also in knowing that I made it to where I am today!

  5. Boy, you are right, Angel Kitty and Pansy could be sisters. Glad to meet another cat person. I showed all the pictures to my husband, and he thought it was Pansy since I hadn't told him it wasn't. Now I have another blog to read in another interesting part of our country.

  6. Aleta, this is fantastic.

    Writing is my favorite way to "get it all out" and I love reading memoirs.