Only the Beginning

I thought I'd share the start of my memoir. This is probably the only part of my memoir that I'll share on here. I've been working on it heavily, and the more I write, the more I find that I NEED to write in order to explain exactly what happened!


The decorations, the lights, and the piped- in carols that were meant to gladden the heart, brighten the spirit, and create a festive atmosphere, seemed to be making mockery of my inner pain and confusion. I sat on a bench that was hard and unforgiving, pressing into my aching back; exhaustion turned my bones to lead. Christmas shoppers, usually in groups of two or more, passed me by, smiling and talking with one another, seemingly happy and content. They barely gave me a glance. Was I really even there? Then, in a panic, I suddenly realized that I didn’t know where I was - what town, what state? I knew I was in a mall, but what mall and how did I get there? Where was my car? How would I find my way home, wherever home was? My heart raced in my chest that seemed gripped in a vice closing tighter and tighter. I felt that I would either suffocate or have a heart attack. I began to shake uncontrollably and tears blurred my vision and coursed down my face.

That was a few weeks before Christmas 2001. My life was in chaos and my future uncertain. I had willingly taken on so many changes in my life - divorce, a new job, a move to an apartment in a new city and state, where I knew absolutely nobody - and I was lonely, overwhelmed, and on the verge of a breakdown. There was no undoing the changes I had made in my life. I couldn’t go back, didn’t want to go back. This was the journey that I needed to take, whatever valleys lay before me or dark-shadowed mountains stood waiting for me to scale, and whatever the ultimate outcome might be.

This is a story of choices that we sometimes make in order to move away from the darkness, forced down a path of turmoil and uncertainty, in order that we can embrace the light. In some ways it is an appalling story, in many ways romantic, but in all ways it is mine.

Thank you, my blogger friends, for letting me share this!